Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

It’s a gift

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.