Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

Doctors texting each other.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

(yawn)

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.