Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

Saturday

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder