I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
How do dragons blow out candles?
A sick whale is called an unwhale