I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Need this in my life lol
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills