I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
You Might Also Like
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.