I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.