Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

This meal prepping shit easy

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.