I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
the greatest twitter interaction
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child