I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.