I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’m calling the cops.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.