I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
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You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.