Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…