I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Spell check is for lasers.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
bury ourselves