Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Camel dough

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.