I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.