Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.