I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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there’s probably a fee though
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
gm
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
This one never gets the credit it deserves
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
