I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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oh you wanna fight?!
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
how long have you had this for?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school