I get it short people, I get it.

Oooops sorry typo,

I’ll get it short people, I’ll get it.

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[Cruise ship]
– I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.


*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Me : where are you going?


A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.


Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.


Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.


[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way


Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.