@WeissBrandon

I get it short people, I get it.

Oooops sorry typo,

I’ll get it short people, I’ll get it.

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@Sickayduh

[Cruise ship]
“HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK”
– I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff

@TweetsByTheTony

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

@AZHORSEMOM77

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

@MommaUnfiltered

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

@lildandeli0n

Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.

@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@_ElvishPresley_

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.