I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.