I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.