Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste