Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

i spent way too long on this

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

No point crayon over spilled milk.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…