I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69