Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?