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ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
How to find Kentucky on a map
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich