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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I have a new favorite meme page
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm