I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
That time Alicia messaged me
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.