“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
You Might Also Like
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?