I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Family Celebrity
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
DOOO EEEET
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.