I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂