I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Nice try Hitler
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
It’s an epidemic…
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
my dad has had enough
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I have never related to anyone more.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.