Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster