Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.