Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice