Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

this was very charming

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom