I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Lol
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
