I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
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Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Bruh PLEASE
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
