I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Joseph Smith, 1833
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives