I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Just a friendly reminder!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”