I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*mops up wine with cat*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.