I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Oh thanks BBC.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather