Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Finally! 😈

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly