I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.