I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Hmmmmm
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI