Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.