Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.