Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.