I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
*orders delivery*
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.