I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”