I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit