Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

My teenage children choosing violence

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

This is me 🤣🤣

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.