I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Breaking news:
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth