Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Huge, if true.

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

nature’s most graceful animal

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.