Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Voting is the worst group project

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.