I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?