I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t