I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
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When libraries troll their patrons.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.