I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
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One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that