i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.