“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
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They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real