Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok