Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

this is the kind of friend i am

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right