@TheHyyyype

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

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@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

@divyne_mess

Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.

@lecalabara

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

@dumbbeezie

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

@IamEnidColeslaw

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

@djdarrellripley

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

@ScarletStoner

I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.

@robfee

Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.

@Tups13

If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?