[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
(Electricians.)
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
😂😂😂
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today