[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch