Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.