I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*