Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.