Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco