Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.